Let Your Fingers Do the Walking

I am on the job market, as usual, so I spend a lot of my time reading academic job ads.  They rarely make interesting reading, except that they sometimes reveal levels of confusion within a given department, like the ad that said they were looking for an expert in "silent and sound cinema".  My understanding of film history is that "silent and sound" is the same as "everything".   I am used to this type of vagueness, but a recent ad takes specificity to a new level.  It starts out normally, but then it descends into absurdity, with some mystifying details about the successful applicant they have in mind:

"Presents classroom lectures that are logical and coherent".  Well, ok, but it's sad that you have to state this.

"Treats others with respect and consideration regardless of their status or position; Accepts responsibility for own actions; Follows through on commitments."   Everything I need to be a professor I learned in kindergarten.  

"Ability to read and interpret documents such as research studies, administrative policies, and journals, newspapers, etc."  I should note that the first requirement for this position is that you have a PhD.  Ability to read?  Newspapers?  I should mention in my letter that I, like Governor Palin, have read "all" the newspapers?

There is an entire section entitled "Reasoning Ability", which includes such gems as: "Ability to apply logic as appropriate."  When is it not appropriate?  "Ability to interpret instructions furnished in written, oral, diagram, or schedule form."  I refuse to read schedules!

The physical requirements are truly bizarre:

"Vision requirements include ability to read student assignments and grade appropriately."  May I remind my reader that this is a film studies job.  And which body part do we watch movies with?

"The employee is required...occasionally to use hands, fingers, and frequently to talk or hear."  Only occasionally to use hands?  It makes me want to get this job and then push this point, i.e. "I totally used my fingers ten minutes ago, so I'm not doing it again until tomorrow."    Or, "My contract says I have to talk OR hear, not both."

"The noise level in the work environment is usually moderate.  Noise could include interaction with students, faculty, staff, and the public; other noise may be generated by telephones, computers, or instructional equipment."  I feel compelled to get this job just so I can run out of the room screaming when the telephone rings.  I might even wave my fingers around.

My question is, what kind of lunatic did they have to fire to make the lawyers write up this ad? One of my colleagues said that it sounds like a job ad written for aliens who are unfamiliar with life on planet Earth.  I hope I at least get an interview so I can find out what happened.